As a Pastor's kid, I loved having the run of the church; knowing every inch of the property and exploring the baptismal changing rooms or the storage under the stage while my family was there, after hours, prepping for some event. I loved being privy to overheard snippets of information about the goings on of our church body. I even loved it when my Dad used some anecdote of my life for a sermon illustration. To me the perks definitely outweighed the negatives - like when my Sunday school teacher lifted her eyebrow and exclaimed with unbelief, "Katie forgot her Bible this morning?!" I felt like a star sometimes with everyone watching me and always seeming to expect grand things of me.
I brought that mindset with me as I became a Pastor's wife. I was always excited to tour our new church; to know where everything was so that I could guide people to finding the lost banner - to let my kids run through the pews while we were there, after hours, folding bulletins - to bring my husband lunch and chat with whoever was in the church office that day. But, there was always someone whose life-long membership trumped my access. Knowledge of the "snippets" proved to be a heavy burden as my husband couldn't share everything and what I did know I had to keep to myself. As I stood on the outside of many conversations I wanted to interject what had really happened or who was really at fault or point out the many stones waiting to be thrown beside that particular bitter member. I'm still used as a sermon illustration at times, though it either makes me cringe at what it reveals about me or sets me further up a pedestal for some - putting friendships and inclusion farther out of reach for me. The tail of my comet was long gone and now I often felt unacknowledged, overworked, and lonely.
Most of that first decade of ministry was spent wallowing in my crumbled expectations. We all want to be seen - to be validated, praised, and, at times, celebrated. We want our husband's face to light up when we enter the room, our children to rise up and call us blessed, our boss to acknowledge the ways we improved their business, and our friends to reciprocate the thoughtful gifts and listening ear. I wanted my church family to acknowledge the hours I spent prepping for ministry and trying to meet all of their needs and desires. My pride had taken a needed hit.
One day I finally remembered that I am supposed to be doing all of this FOR HIM! HE greatly acknowledges, validates, and loves me! And that should be all I need! Melody Carlson wrote a book, Secretly Do Good Deeds, that I use often when I work with kids. It centers around a young girl who discovers how happy it makes her to live out Matthew 6:3-4, which says, "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." I decided to lift my head off of my pillow, dry my tears, and set about being the encouragement for others that I had so desperately craved.
I took a hard look at my sisters and brothers in the Lord and realized that they also needed to be seen - and that I had a unique vantage point with which to see them. I let go of my expectation of having friendships within the church and made sure that I circled the room and talked with everyone - especially those on the fringes. I used the end of the year church "Post Office" as an opportunity to fill my Christmas cards with gratitude for all of the ways I had noticed each member giving and serving. I wrote very specific thank you notes throughout the year when I saw someone reach out and make a difference. I thanked a grumpy member for all that they did within our walls and saw their attitude change and their shoulders lift with a renewed purpose. When I was in the room where complaints were being shared, I would step forward and remind them of what God is doing in our midst. When we rode home from church, I would tell my husband what he did well in his sermon and point out the good I had experienced instead of focusing on the slides that weren't in sync with the music or the complaints I'd overheard.
Being an encourager affected me greatly, as well. I would now turn on the CD player in a SS room and blast the music into the hallway where I was putting up a bulletin board at 7 pm on a Saturday night. I would smile and eat Twizzlers as I sat up in the sound booth and spent two hours making the Media Shout presentation for Sunday - listening to all of the creaks and drafts of an empty sanctuary. Sometimes I even hear, "Love that bulletin board, Katie!" Sometimes I receive a card in the mail with a gift card thanking my husband and me for all that we do. Sometimes one of the parents of I kid I teach tells me how much something I said impacted them. And I know that these precious occurrences come directly from my Heavenly Father - who sees me and knows when I need a refreshing and a word of encouragement from the physical realm.
As I awaken in 2019, I am determined to continue what I believe to be my greatest ministry: a quiet encourager! I want to be that for my church family, for my husband, for my two boys, for my extended family, and for my friends (most of whom are fellow minister's wives!). I want to continue doing what I can to lift up those in my path - weeping, laughing, and often plodding with them. Many of them may not think to turn and offer me the same, but it has helped to keep me humble and keep me looking only to my Father. I care more for His reward and rest more in my Shepherd's infinite care for me, his little lamb. I know that many of you have trod in my shoes and I pray that my perspective shift has encouraged you in some way.
Matthew and Katie Eades serve at Oakdale Baptist Church in Statesville, NC. Katie teaches in a local co-op and home schools their two boys, Cooper and Connor. Road trips, reading, and crafting are at the top of this Virginia native's to-do list and she is always up for something spontaneous and fun.